One of my favorite books in healing yourself and making a difference in your own family is called Remembering Wholeness, by Carol Tuttle. I highly, highly, highly recommend it! In chapter 49 (her chapters are very short), she emphasizes the need to affirm our children. Many times we, as adults were not validated as children by our parents and so we go through life waiting for others to tell us, “You are worthwhile.” Carol Tuttle teaches us to take back that power and become your own healthy parent.

Likewise, our children need to be validated by us. Tonight, I got upset with my daughter because she dawdled her way through setting the table, causing dinner to be cool when we actually got to sit and eat. Then I got upset with her again because she was too busy talking to eat. Neat mom, huh. Not one of my stellar moments!

So my resolution, and I’m typing it here in full detail so I remember it better, is to affirm my children with statements Carol Tuttle recommends in her book for ages 6-12 years old. The developmental need, per her book, is to come into your own identity and power. These are the statements these children need to hear repeatedly.

• It is okay for you to test your boundaries and find out your limits.
• We will set appropriate limits for you to keep you safe and help you find out who you are.
• We like your energy; we like your curiosity about life.
• It’s okay for you to think for yourself, and we will think for ourselves.
• You can think about your feelings and have feelings about what you are thinking.
• You can know what you need and ask for help.
• It’s okay for you to feel any way you want ot feel.
• We see and appreicate your wholeness.
• You can think and feel at the same time.
• We are glad you are starting to think for yourself.
• You can try out different ways of using your power.
• We love to listen to you.
• We are here for you.
• We love to do things with you.
• It’s okay to cry even though you are growing up.
• It is good for you to find out the cause and effect of your behavior.
• You can ask questions if something confuses you.
• You are not responsible for our marriage.
• You are not responsible for our happiness.
• You are not responsible for the problems in our family.
• It’s okay for you to explore who you are.

I see some here that I’m going to emphasize the very most. At the most, I am going to focus on three of these at a time, make them my own so they are natural for me to continue all the time. Then I’ll select 2 or 3 more. I’ll let you know how I do. The energy one is definitely appropriate for one of my sons; he has a definite zest for life. Finding out about the cause and effect of your behavior is needed for the other, and you are not responsible for the problems in your family for my daughter. She often says, “I’m sorry,” when she wasn’t even involved, just to try to ‘fix it’ and restore harmony (usually disturbed by her brothers who are busy testing the limits with each other.)

P.S. Here’s a post from Ice Cream Diary that I have been trying to incorporate more into my day too.