My sister wrote me after reading my first posts in this blog with the following comments:

I still can’t quite come to grips with the fact that we create other people’s actions. Some of that I can see, and see powerfully, but not all.

I agree that we can, by becoming “clear” ourselves with our emotions, have an effect on how another person choose to act. For one thing, if I am simply not able to be teased, the person that is determined to tease will finally leave me alone and go find someone else to bother. That is very powerful. (In scripture terms, when wicked people are fighting peaceful people, they are often influenced because they see the difference — they see that the peaceful people don’t have a desire to fight, etc.)

But if I believe that I can choose my own thoughts and feelings at any moment, and that those change my life, can I also believe that they will change someone else’s choices? I’ve always been confused there with that concept. I don’t think I understand it clearly.

One of the things I believe is that we were all born with a God-given gift of free agency. We are allowed to choose. Sometimes those choices are limited; other times they are almost totally unlimited. I read a book called Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl that talks about that. He was a prisoner of war with extremely limited choices. His choices narrowed down further and further until his only choice was whether to control his own mind. Because he recognized that choice and acted on it, he survived and after he was finally released, he thrived and created a new life.

There are many energy therapists that teach that we can literally change other people’s choices. I believe that is true within a certain scope. I easily buy into the idea that we can influence and affect other people greatly by our own choices and by what we put our focus on, but we cannot change the fact that they are free to make their own decisions. I think it is more important that we learn to change the energy surrounding us so others are inclined to treat us as we wish to be.

Let me use an example my husband experienced. He was working for an excellent company in Cincinnati when it slowly became apparent that my husband’s opportunities were narrowing for no apparent reason. He has excellent credentials with so many certifications to his credit that he never lists them all. His resume is impressive to say the least. His track record with that particular company was phenomenal. So why did everything seem to be going south for him there? We finally realized the source of the problem was a minority owner. I don’t know what the guy’s problem was. Of note is recent news that he was has been forced out of the company because he singlehandedly has caused more people to quit than we’d ever thought possible.

We tried to use affirmations, visualization, prayer and fasting. Then the book The Peacegiver: How Christ Heals Our Hearts and Homes, by James L. Ferrell dropped into his hands, which helped him see the situation in a new light and prevent the experience from cankering his own soul.

My husband’s attempts to change the outcome there didn’t work. However, we finally stopped asking the question of “How can we improve this situation” and started asking for what I believe was the “right” request to bring us a different situation to accomplish our goals. We also asked for a buyer to be prepared for our home when we put it on the market. In less than 7 months, my husband had received and moved to a better situation in another state, our home sold the first day it was on the market (the closing happened three weeks later), and our family was back together in our new home in two more months.

I think the same approach works with children. Recently, I have caught myself getting down on one of my sons for not doing the things he has been assigned, and I have been poignantly reminded to be kind. So I am now quietly reminding him about the things he has to do but doesn’t particularly care to do and working on catching him doing good things to talk about. Will that change his happiness over practicing the piano? We’ll see. That is still his decision, but I am not going to get ramped up about him missing his practice sessions. I’ll still insist he do it at least through April which is the end of his teacher’s year, but hopefully he won’t feel his control over his life is threatened. I am open to showing him the sympathy I feel for him in preparing for Festival. I think my negative approach has made him resent it just on principle.

I remember another lady from my church that I was supposed to visit at least monthly. She was a difficult person to even want to visit. No matter what happened, it was bad, even if it was an upturn in events. I later learned that she had two therapists “fire” her because her attitude toward her life was so sour. I was amazed how many blessings could come to a blessing without being acknowledged or even recognized. I used to pray for her and sit with her by the hour, and come home depressed and snappish at my own family. I remember I would prepare for those visits by filling myself up with positive affirmations and scripting and everything I could think of. I used a technique of visualizing her place with white light so there would be a positive energy there and I could leave from there still feeling positive and upbeat. I think I affected her, but only temporarily. I could not change her agency to choose. It wasn’t for me to do that and I believe it would have been wrong for me to have asked for that power. Ultimately, I chose not to go back because I did not want to subject myself to her negative energy. Had she been more receptive, I believe my influence, in combination with others who were also working with her, could have changed her life had she chosen differently. The choice was hers to make, and apparently she isn’t ready to make a different choice.

Thankfully, I think children are much more receptive to positive influences and make quicker changes.